Leadership And People Pleasing

When I was a young leader, I had two primary goals: avoiding conflict and keeping people happy. You could easily say I was a people pleasing leader. These inclinations on my part, as is often the case, came from a childhood characterized by low self-esteem and a desire to fit in.
 
I was reminded of my journey from people pleasing to wanting to please myself just this morning watching two features on the Sunday Today Show and CBS Sunday Morning.
 
In one, the actress Kirsten Dunst, known primarily these days for a recurring role in the Spiderman movie series, recalled her evolution from a young child address to the mature thespian she is today.  Dunst admitted that for much of her life she was a people pleaser. Her goal was to be liked by everyone. Only with multiple years in therapy for depression was Dunst able to overcome that proclivity.
 
In the second feature Tony Dow, now a prolific sculptor, talked about how he lost much of his life trying to please other people. Starting acting at age eight in “Leave it to Beaver,” Dow  strived to please producers and directors every moment he was on set.  And when he was at home, he strived to please his parents. This led to years of depression between ages 20 and 40. Only with significant therapy was Dow able to overcome his depression and regain his joy in life.
 
Leadership and people pleasing do not fit well together. I learned this lesson the hard way when I was in my 20s and 30s. As leaders, we must please the organizations for which we work and our own managers and leaders. 
 
For 32 years of my career, that translated to meeting goals created by the Georgetown Law Center Finance Committee and the Dean of the law school.  However, after I matured, I realized I was doing it not just to make other people happy, and to be liked, but because I wanted to lead a successful department for the sake of the law school and the university.
 
We will not be successful in leadership only by choosing to please others and make them happy. If we wish to fulfill our potential in leadership, we must choose to embrace that leadership and please ourselves.
 
So as we head into 2022, I encourage you to undertake a specific writing exercise. Sit down in a quiet place with a pen and paper, not with your phone, and write down what will please you in your own leadership role this year.  Take your time. Engage in meaningful reflection.
 
Then sit on what you have written for several days. Go back and review it. Ask yourself  if you are pleased with what you have written. Consider discussing it with a trusted confidant or significant other.
 
Then sit down a second time and write down one action you could take starting tomorrow that would bring you closer to your goal. Commit to starting that process immediately.
 
Remember that pleasing other people might make you feel good on the surface for a temporary period of time. However pleasing yourself is a much smarter strategy in the long term and will do much to strengthen your own leadership capacity.