LEADERS SPEND TIME PLANNING BEFORE DELIVERING DIFFICULT FEEDBACK

Have you ever been on the receiving end of difficult feedback? I mean feedback that is difficult for the manager to give and difficult for you to receive.

I know that I have been on the receiving end of such feedback many times. Sometimes it was delivered with emotion and anger, when my manager just tore into me for a mistake or an error in judgment. Other times it was delivered calmly, unemotionally and with compassion. Guess which times I listened more closely?

When difficult feedback is delivered with anger, frustration and meanness, most of us are thrown off our guard. To protect ourselves, we may put up a wall. We may get defensive. Most unfortunately, we may stop listening.

I thought of this subject earlier this week when I came across a question about delivering difficult feedback. The multiple-choice question was presented this way:

What is the biggest challenge you face when delivering difficult feedback?

• I get emotional too easily
• I have a hard time separating the behavior from the person
• I struggle to offer concrete behavior change suggestions
• I soften the message too much and the feedback doesn’t land
• Something else

This little quiz is a test of leadership self-awareness. If you were to answer this question, what choice would you make? If you believe that you do not face any challenges when delivering difficult feedback and that you are very comfortable in doing so, congratulations. You are in the significant minority of leaders.

The great majority of us struggle to deliver difficult feedback to direct reports or other members of our team, and the best way to overcome this struggle is to look in the mirror at it, acknowledge it, and then create and implement a strategy for overcoming our struggles.

So what can we as leaders do to address and successfully surmount these struggles?

I get emotional too easily

I used to fall into this camp. I would become emotional because I put so much emphasis in delivering the difficult feedback in a perfect way, just the way I wanted and in a manner that the other person heard it the way I intended and then would act on it.

Gradually I realized that there is no such thing as a perfect way to deliver hard feedback. I practiced delivering the feedback out loud. I wrote a short outline. I reminded myself that emotion on my end only diluted the value of the feedback and would distract my teammate. I learned that my getting emotional could easily contribute to the other person getting emotional – mirroring behavior.

So if you acknowledge that you have this tendency, practice beforehand, give yourself a pep talk, focus on the intent of your feedback – helping the other person grow and be more effective. Give yourself permission to let go of your emotions and send them to the “parking lot.”

I have a hard time separating the behavior from the person

This is a classic leadership conundrum. How do we separate the offending or inappropriate behavior from the person? The first step is to adopt the separation mindset – the person is not his or her behavior. The behavior is a reflection of a belief, a practice, an impression or a judgment. It may be a mistaken impression, an outdated belief, an inappropriate practice or a poorly made judgment.

In any instance, the focus of the feedback must be upon the behavior. We are not there to denigrate the person or challenge his or her character. When people believes we are criticizing them as a person, they will figuratively put up their shields, back into a corner, or, worse yet, come out fighting. The purpose of the conversation will go up in smoke.

I struggle to offer concrete behavior change suggestions

Difficult feedback delivered without specific behavior change suggestions is not helpful and can actually be damaging for your relationship with your teammate. So plan ahead.

Think back to the behavior that prompted your feedback. What could the person have done differently? Could they have done something earlier? With greater attention to detail? With greater clarity? Could they have involved a different person or additional team members? Could they have utilized existing written documentation? Maybe they simply could have done a better job of proofreading or drafting?

Be specific with your behavior change recommendations. Perhaps suggest a different team member from whom they could seek advice. Point them to written guidance in previous emails or messages, to company policies or booklets, to instructions on your website or in an operations manual.

Put the ball in their court by asking them what they have learned from your feedback and what they will do to make sure they do not repeat this behavior in the future. Finish by expressing confidence in their ability to adopt different and effective behavior in similar circumstances going forward.

I soften the message too much and the feedback doesn’t land

I used to do this quite frequently. Why? I wanted to be seen as a nice guy and a good boss. However, I learned the hard way that this approach is lose-lose. It does not help us as leaders because the message does not get through. It does not help our team member because he or she does not grow from the experience.

It is called “difficult feedback” for a reason. It is difficult to give. However, when we give it in an honest, straightforward and direct manner, the other person is much more inclined to receive and integrate the message. In fact, it helps to summarize at the end of the conversation to make sure the other person heard the feedback the way we intended it to land. Ask them to summarize the content of your feedback and then describe how they will adjust their behavior going forward.

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry