LEADERS REMEMBER MAYA ANGELOU’S ADMONITION

Last week I mentioned that I had undergone surgery. As I recovered at home, I was humbled and gratified to receive get-well gifts and notes from many friends and colleagues.

One day a large box arrived at our door with a bounty of food, a blanket and warm socks. When I opened the box, I was stunned by the amount of food and the kindness expressed by volunteers with whom I serve on a non-profit board. The company that provided these gifts is Spoonful of Comfort, and I highly recommend it if you are seeking to send food or gifts to a friend or relative.

Sprinkled in with the gifts were cards with meaningful quotes. That was really a nice touch. One of those quotes was a well-known point made by the late poet Maya Angelou. I bet you have heard it yourself:

“People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
People will never forget how you made them feel.”

I have heard this quote many times and have never questioned it before. Now that I am doing leadership coaching however, I found myself wondering if this quote is truly accurate.

As a coach, I have been trained to question the concept that people can “make” us feel a certain way. When clients have said to me things like “He makes me feel so angry,” “She makes me feel so anxious” or “He makes me feel so frustrated,” I have often responded with “Why do you choose to get angry?” or “Why do you choose to feel anxious?”

This coaching approach is grounded in the belief that we are all in charge of our own emotions and that no one else can “make us” feel a certain way. It reflects back on the premise articulated by the Viennese psychiatrist Viktor Frankl in his book ”Man’s Search for Meaning” and later popularized by Stephen Covey in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:”

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. And in that space lies man’s greatest freedom: the freedom to choose his response.”

As I thought about the potential conflict between Maya Angelou’s quote and Frankl’s and Covey’s advice, I had an aha moment: This was not an instance of “either/or,” where we have to believe Angelou’s advice or Frankl’s and Covey’s beliefs. This was a case of “both/and.” Both beliefs could be true at the same time.

We can still be in charge of our own emotions and simultaneously be influenced or affected by how other people treat us, speak to us or behave around us. As leaders, it is truly helpful to remember both the admonition from Angelou and the beliefs of Frankl and Covey.

So as you proceed on your leadership path this week, and your social path with friends and relatives, I ask you to reflect upon this question: How can you be a positive influence on the people you encounter each day, at work, in volunteering and in your home?

-You can catch work colleagues doing something right and comment on it

-You can reaffirm people’s continuing value to your organization

-You can ask colleagues about how things are going for them outside of work

-You can send a friend or relative an email or hand-written note telling them you miss them or have been thinking about them

-You can send someone flowers or a gift for no special reason

-You can respond to a friend or colleague’s post on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn with an affirming response

-You can check in on a friend you have not communicated with in a while with a surprising phone call

-You can offer positive thoughts to your own manager, asking how you can help him or her that day

-You can show some physical affection to friends who would welcome it, whether a simple pat on the back or touch of the shoulder

-You can smile at folks you encounter at work – smiling is contagious

-You can express empathy or compassion for colleagues or friends who are going through a difficult time

-You can offer a welcoming non-judgmental ear for people who feel the urge to talk

There are many ways we can have a positive impact on other people every day, at work and in our private lives. It is up to us to find those opportunities and follow through on them.

And you know what? I guarantee it will “make you” feel good!!!

So make it a great week ahead and reach out to others!
If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry