LEADERS MUST GUARD AGAINST BEING TOO NICE
During the past several weeks, I came across two significant articles that warned leaders about being “too nice.” These articles prompted me to think back to my earliest leadership days as a recent law school graduate.
I was in my late 20’s and supervised people who were older and more experienced than me. Having grown up with a lack of self-esteem, as a manager I wanted my direct reports and my colleagues to like me. That was very important to me.
Without realizing the negative impact of being too nice, I perpetuated a culture that was not effective at growing people and maximizing mission achievement. What were some of the impacts of my wanting to be liked, of striving to be “nice?”
-We avoided conflicts and swept them under the rug
-I did not face underperforming team members and hold them accountable
-I feared doing anything to make someone else uncomfortable
-People took advantage of my “niceness” by avoiding responsibility
-We did not face difficult issues affecting results
-I did not look in the mirror at my own leadership behavior
-Team members gossiped about me behind my back
-People did not perform at their best or grow into their own potential
-Team members did not approach me with candid feedback
-I was afraid to offer tough feedback to others
-I confused being “nice” with being kind
-I let important and necessary conversations slide
-I was too focused on the short term
-I kicked the can down the road in the interest of “peace” even when I knew it was hurting the business
As I grew and learned, over time I realized that it is much more important for leaders to be respected than to be liked. It was a hard-earned lesson. I learned that teammates respect leaders who:
-hold them accountable,
-ask the tough questions,
-offer serious feedback, and
-help them grow through the challenging career hurdles they are sure to face.
As I reflect on those difficult days of new leadership, I think about the down sides of being “too nice” with team members, colleagues and even my own managers:
-Your top performers feel angry that others are not being held accountable: they can become demotivated or will leave
-People do not feel the need to hold themselves accountable
-People are not committed to the long-term growth of the organization
-Good performers see that performance is not measured
-High expectations are not discussed or demanded
-Performance management is an afterthought
-SMART goals are not created or tracked
-Professional development is an afterthought
-People learn that it is inappropriate to say “no,” even though saying “no” can be critical for prioritization and differentiating the “important” from the “urgent”
-The performance bar for team members is never raised
-Team members are wary about giving meaningful feedback to each other because the leader does not role model that behavior
-Weak projects are continued so people’s feelings are spared
-Critical feedback is seen as punishment rather than what it really is – a development tool\
-Managers are not taught how to give that feedback, empathically but honestly
-Familiarity and friendliness can be prioritized over appropriate fit
As you look in the mirror and assess your own leadership beliefs and behaviors, I encourage you to learn from my mistakes. Your team members will respect you more when you hold them accountable, deliver meaningful feedback, maintain high standards, are willing to say “no” and show you are not afraid of conflict or discomfort.
Please be honest, transparent, bold, and kind as a leader!
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-Larry