LEADERS MONITOR THEIR RESPONSES IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS

Did you ever learn about the Karpman Drama Triangle? I had not heard of it until a fascinating webinar in which I participated last week. The Triangle was created by San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman.

Using this Triangle as a framework helps us see ourselves and the systems in which we work – and live – in a new light. That new light can lead to enhanced wisdom for us and for the people we lead.

We know that we cannot truly lead other people until and unless we first learn to lead ourselves. Similarly, if we want to help change the thoughts or behavior of the people we lead, we must first be willing to look in the mirror and change ourselves.

Karpman posited that when things get stressful, we often adopt one of three roles:
-Persecutor
-Rescuer
-Victim

When we play the Victim role, we tend to blame others and refuse to take responsibility for our own choices or behaviors. The prize in this role is that we receive lots of attention. Unfortunately, the Victim role comes with a cost: we feel disempowered, stuck and angry. Moreover, colleagues usually do not like us when we are playing this role.

I know this role well. Since I grew up with an inferiority complex, I often adopted the Victim role early in my career. I wanted people to feel sorry for me. I often felt “less than” my teammates and I struggled to move ahead professionally for a while.

When stressful times lead us to play the Persecutor role, we are consumed with anger. We allow our ego to take over and we blame everyone around us for things that may have gone wrong. We become bossy, bully our direct reports and act as a micromanager. The prize in this role is we gain control, we feel superior to others and our ego feels wonderful.

However, there are prices to pay here as well. People avoid us, we can feel isolated, and it can get lonely. Moreover, playing this role can be physically and mentally exhausting.

The third role we can often play when under stress is Rescuer. People adopt this role when they take on the guise of martyr at work or when they are into people-pleasing. The prize we gain is feeling good about ourselves – “Aren’t I great?” or “Look how I saved our team!”

Nevertheless, there are prices to pay. Rescuers create Victims in colleagues. Teammates do not grow when the Rescuer takes over. Additionally, others can see the Rescuer a mile away and will take advantage of him or her.

I know this role well too. For too long in my career, as a colleague, as a manager and as a leader, I played this role to a tee. Why? I wanted people to like me. I wanted to feel valuable to myself and others. I wanted to feel appreciated. However, I learned over the years that I was not helping my team members grow – in fact, I was stunting their growth, both personally and professionally. I learned to let go of the Rescuer role so that colleagues could learn from their own mistakes and realize that they would be held accountable for their performance.

How can we use the Drama Triangle?

We can acknowledge it as a self-management tool, knowing that it represents roles we fall into when we are under stress. Usually, conditions cause stress, not people. It’s important to realize that when we are playing one of these roles, we are not living into the best version of ourselves.

Of course, the key is to notice more quickly when we are in the Triangle. Once we use that self-awareness, we can get out of the Triangle more quickly. After we remove ourselves from the Drama Triangle, we can, as coaches like to say, live in choice.
-How do we want to respond?
-How do we want to contribute?
-How do we want to help?

There are multiple strategies for removing ourselves from the Drama Triangle after we realize we are residing there.

-We can pause and take several deep breaths, giving ourselves permission to shift our mindset.

-We can shift into question mode, posing thoughtful queries for the person(s) with whom we are interacting.

-We can adopt a curiosity attitude, asking open-ended “what” questions.

-We can change our body language and facial expression, sending a different non-verbal message.

If we realize the Drama Triangle role we are playing, we can adjust our curiosity questions to fit the situation. The Rescuer can ask “How can I help?” or “What do you seek from me?” The Persecutor can pause and ask “What do you want here?” The Victim can ask “And what else?” at the end of a conversation.
Knowledge that we are in the Drama Triangle doesn’t change the other person. However, appreciation of it helps us shift our own behavior. The keys are:

-A willingness to ask for what we want,

-Being prepared to hear “no” from the other person, and

-Then being able to negotiate the difference.

Self-awareness – or coaching – can help leaders see the system in which they are working and how they are showing up within that system, perhaps how they are contributing to the dysfunction.

Think about this Drama Triangle the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

-What role are you playing?

-How can you remove yourself from the Triangle?

-How can you contribute to a purposeful de-escalation and a positive conclusion?

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry