LEADERS MAKE FORGIVENESS PART OF THEIR CULTURE

This past week I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Yesterday was the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year for many people. Yom Kippur is frequently called the Day of Atonement, where people are called upon to seek forgiveness from God for their transgressions during the past year. One of the enduring messages of the day is that the only way in which human beings can really seek forgiveness from their fellow men and women is to specifically ask for it – in conversations, in emails, in texts, on Zoom or in old-fashion phone calls.

As I thought about this concept yesterday, I made a mental list of the forgiveness I wanted to seek from my wife, my sons, my daughters-in-law, my relatives, my friends, my fellow volunteers at the non-profits where I serve and my leadership coaching clients. I will have a few heartfelt oral and written conversations this coming week.

This pondering naturally led me to think about the role forgiveness plays in leadership. During my years in leadership positions, especially my 32 years at Georgetown Law CLE, I have seen forgiveness – or the absence of forgiveness – up close and personal. I learned – sometimes the hard way – that leaders who make mistakes and then seek forgiveness from their teammates, managers, clients or leaders, actually engender admiration and loyalty from those people.

Conversely, leaders who behave in inappropriate ways and never bother to ask for forgiveness see their stature shrink in the eyes of their followers. I remember an episode from years ago when I was late for an important meeting at the law school because I had been attending a meeting at a law firm to ask for sponsorship money for a CLE conference.

The firm was typically about a 15-minute cab ride from the law school. (This was before Uber and Lyft). On the ride back to the law school, we encountered a bad traffic accident – a car had hit a pedestrian. There were cars at a standstill, ambulances, and police all around. I did know what to do. This was also before cell phones, so I could not call ahead to warn a colleague I would be late to the meeting.

What did I do? I paid the cab driver and ran for five minutes as fast as I could (which was not that fast!) to the law school. I showed up for that meeting sweating and took a seat as quietly as I could.

The next day I had a meeting with my own manager and the Dean. The Dean started our meeting by literally yelling at me for being late to an important meeting. I was stunned. I tried to explain that there had been a serious car accident and that I had literally run back to the law school. The Dean did not want to hear about it, saying “When the Dean is running a meeting, you need to be on time!”

After the meeting, I was in a state of shock. In my many years at Georgetown, I had never been yelled at by a boss. My manager sensed my mood and was embarrassed. He apologized that I had been the target of such vitriol. I was subdued for the remainder of the day.

The next morning I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang at 8:30 am. I saw that it was the Dean calling me. My first reaction was “Oh, yes. The Dean is calling me to apologize and seek my forgiveness for how he treated me yesterday.”

That did not happen.

The Dean said, “Larry, I noticed you were very upset at the meeting yesterday and I am calling to check on you.” I replied, “Yes, I was hurt that after I came upon a car accident on my back to the law school and trying to explain that to you, you actually yelled at me, and did it in front of my own manager.”
The Dean responded, “I did not yell at you.” And that is all he said. I replied, “Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree about that issue.” We concluded our conversation. When I hung up the phone, I was hurt. And instead of feeling angry, I felt sad for this top leader who could not bring himself to apologize after hearing my reaction. I have never forgotten that incident.

What it did was remind me of the power of seeking forgiveness from the people we lead. From that point forward, until the day I retired in 2017, I strived to always seek forgiveness when I made significant mistakes, treated people unkindly or forgot something important.

I am reminded of a snippet from a “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” video that I used to show workshop participants. In the video, Stephen Covey is talking to an audience of about 150 people. He describes the Chinese belief that when you apologize, you must apologize sincerely and not in a perfunctory manner. He used the phrase: “If you’re going to bow, bow low.”

When we as leaders treat people unfairly, harshly or callously, the best thing we can do is apologize and seek their forgiveness. It teaches our teammates several things:

-It is ok to make mistakes around here and we will not be punished

-If our leader can make mistakes and apologize, so can we

-Our leader is vulnerable – and human – just like us

-We can be stronger leaders for our own direct reports by adopting this behavior ourselves

-Seeking forgiveness from our teammates is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength

If I have offended any of you newsletter readers during this past year by something I have written, I apologize. Please email me about it so I can write more sensitively in the year ahead.

I hope you enjoy a wonderful week in the days ahead.

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry