LEADERS CAN CHOOSE TO ADJUST THEIR ATTITUDES
I have been coaching a woman for a while about a number of management and leadership issues. She is pretty self-aware. When I presented her with the themes emanating from my stakeholder interviews, she was not surprised by anything. She was able to acknowledge her leadership strengths and her leadership challenges.
In the course of our coaching conversation, she happened to mention that she was frequently in conflict with another leader at the same law firm. This conflict was not going to be a main theme of our coaching engagement, but my client wanted to talk about it, so we did (The coaching client always guides the conversation!)
I asked my client why there seemed to be so much conflict with this other firm leader, an accomplished lawyer at the firm who had worked there for many years. My client was honest about her feelings for this other partner. She opined:
-I don’t respect him
-I don’t trust him
-I don’t value him
-I don’t think like him
-I don’t see things like he does
-I don’t relate to people like he does
-I think he’s too nice to his direct reports
-I don’t think he holds people accountable
-I think he changes his mind all the time
“That covers a broad range of issues,” I responded. “You certainly have concluded that you and he see the work world very differently and you believe that each of you interact with colleagues and direct reports very differently.”
“Absolutely right!” she said.
“Now let me ask you something,” I said.
“You both have been working for this law firm for a long time, right?”
“We have,” she responded.
“You both are respected within the firm as hard workers and good lawyers, right?”
“That’s true,” she said.
“Finally, based on what you have told me, you both have worked here many years, you both have no plans to leave any time soon, and you both really love this law firm, right?”
“Yes, I guess you are correct,” she said quietly
“So,” I asked her, “given everything we have just discussed, I have a question for you.”
“Go ahead and ask it,” she offered.
“What could you do, starting tomorrow, to improve you working relationship with this lawyer at your firm?”
“What do you mean?” she inquired.
“What’s within your control, something that you are in charge of, that you could use to enhance your working relationship with this other partner?”
“I don’t know,” she replied.
“I get that,” I said. “I want you to think.”
There was silence on our Zoom for about a minute. I could tell she was wracking her brain. She was looking up and to the left, a sign that a person is pondering.
Finally, she said quietly, “I guess I could change my attitude about him,” she offered.
“What does that look like?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I do not have to like his approach, his values, his managerial style, his communications style, and his interpersonal skills in order to work with him. After all, we both do love this law firm and we want it to succeed and grow.”
“Exactly,” I answered. “So even if there are many things about him with which you disagree or on which you have different approaches,” what is within your control every single day?”
“I guess my attitude toward him,” she responded. “I could modify my attitude.”
We both smiled on our respective computer screens. Since that conversation, my client has strived to treat her colleague partner with kindness rather than disdain, with curiosity rather than condemnation and with acceptance rather than rejection. The partner is not her friend, they do not go out for coffee together and she still sees aspects of his approach with which she significantly disagrees.
However, her change in attitude has been good for her and helpful for the law firm, including the management committee and the managing partner. This coaching episode reminded me of one of my favorite poems, authored by Charles Swindoll:
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of Attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company, a church, a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.
We cannot change the past, we cannot change the fact that people will behave in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play the one string we have and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you…we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Make it a good week, everyone!!!
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-Larry