LEADERS ASK GREAT QUESTIONS MODELED ON “THE SEVEN HABITS” – PART II

Last week we examined the reasons why leaders ought to be intentional and mindful when asking questions of their team members, peers and managers. We touched upon the benefits of asking questions that motivate the other person – or people at a meeting – to think before responding. We considered sample questions couched in the first three of Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habits.”

I was motivated to address this subject by an excellent book I am reading. I was not aware of this book until it was gifted to me by a friend. It is the sixth book written by David Brooks, a columnist for the New York Times. The title is “How To Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.”

In Chapter Seven of his book, Brooks addresses how we all can do a better job of asking the right questions to get to know our colleagues – not just as fellow employees or volunteers, but as human beings. Every person wants to be truly seen, regardless of their age, ethnicity or experience level.

This concept reminded me of Covey’ Habit #5, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” We know that all people crave being understood. They would like to be agreed with, but more than anything else, they wish to be understood. In fact, once a colleague or friend feels understood, he or she is much more willing to listen to and consider our point of view.
Brooks says that the average child asks 40,000 questions between the ages of two and five, and that most kids are great questioners because they are so curious without ulterior motives.

Brooks relates the story of Nicole Wy, a teacher who one day was teaching a class of eighth graders how to conduct interviews – a skill all good leaders should cultivate. She made herself the subject of the interview and then told her students they could ask anything.

According to Brooks, here’s what transpired:

Student A: Are you married?

Way: No

Student B: Are you divorced?

Way: Yes

Student C: Do you still love him?

Way: (Deep gasp of breath)

Student D: Does he know that you still love him? Does he know?

Way: (Tears in her eyes)

Student E: Do your children know?

Youngsters are not afraid to ask blunt questions, to probe for the essence of a situation, or to show their own vulnerability in asking the question, e.g., “I do not know this about you, but I would like to know you better.”

As we grow, Brooks surmises, we withdraw from asking great questions. In fact, Brooks found in his research that only about 30% of people are natural questioners, are truly inquisitive about wanting to get to know other people. As leaders, it is incumbent upon us – if we want to help our team members grow on their unique journeys – to get under the surface and know them as human beings.

Brooks offers several tips about questions that I believe we can all learn from as we pursue our own leadership paths:

-Closed questions are bad questions: The questioner is imposing a limit on how the question can be answered

-Vague questions are wasteful: They send a message that we really don’t care about the answer.

-Humble questions are open-ended and encourage the other person to take control and take the conversation where they want it to go, questions like “Why don’t you tell me about…?,” How did you…?” or “What’s it like…?”

-Big questions interrupt daily routines and prompt colleagues to step back and see the big picture.

Brooks offers some favorite big picture questions from himself and others:

-What crossroads are you at?

-What would you do if you weren’t afraid here?

-If you left this job tomorrow, what would you regret not doing?

-If we spoke a year from now, what would we be celebrating?

-If the next five years is a chapter in your professional life, what is that chapter about?

-Can you be yourself here and still fit in on our team?

-What is the no, or refusal, you keep postponing?

-What have you said yes to here that you are having second thoughts about?

-What forgiveness are you withholding?

-How have you contributed to the problem you’re trying to solve?

-What is the gift you currently hold in exile?

Using thoughts and tips from thinkers and writers like Stephen Covey and David Brooks can help us develop more thoughtful and powerful questions.

When we as leaders ask our teammates meaningful, important questions, we learn about them as people, we demonstrate our caring and concerns for them, and we ourselves grow as leaders and managers.

Allow yourself to use questions as a leadership tool. You will be rewarded.

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry