LEADERS ARE MINDFUL ABOUT FORGIVENESS

Last week I participated in a very interesting class about the subject of forgiveness. There were about 50 people in the class, and many of them were experienced leaders from both the public and private sectors.

Forgiveness is not a subject we often talk about or even think about. It certainly is not a topic that has been addressed in the leadership books I have read or the leadership trainings in which I’ve participated.

Nevertheless, forgiveness can play a significant role during our own leadership journeys. Of course, I am speaking about two kinds of forgiveness:

-Forgiving others for behaviors they’ve committed or neglected or words they’ve uttered

-Forgiving ourselves for things we’ve done or said that we later regret or second-guess

When we are young, we are often taught that to be a leader means being strong and not showing weakness. We are mentored to be tough, to be sure and to be right.

As we grow and our experience produces knowledge and that knowledge morphs into wisdom, we learn several lessons:

-Being tough for its own sake is not appropriate.

-Being strong alone is insufficient.

-Being kind is more important than being right.

As we progress, we realize that what was once seen as a weakness can be viewed as a strength. For example, when I was a young leader, I was taught that leaders do not apologize to the people they lead because apologizing is a reflection of weakness.

As I learned more about leadership, I realized the opposite was true. When we apologize to the people we lead for something we have done or not done and seek their forgiveness, we are showing our humanity and we are showing our teammates that we are approachable and human just like they are.

Frequently, forgiving ourselves is even more challenging than forgiving others. During my career, I encountered many leaders who were either incapable or unwilling to forgive themselves for errors of omission or commission.

When these leaders did not forgive themselves, what did they do instead? They carried around a burden as if they were wearing a large sack on their backs 24 hours a day. Those sacks became very heavy.

Ironically, when we forgive ourselves for past mistakes or indiscretions, we are not doing it just to feel better. We are doing it so that we can let go of a weight we’ve been carrying around, sometimes for a very long time. Releasing that kind of burden can free us up to use our time more wisely and to focus on positive aspects of leadership and growth.

After I participated in that class on forgiveness, I was telling the teacher a story about a significant episode during my career. One Saturday night, a former colleague called me at home to seek my forgiveness for a terrible thing he had done that I had learned about only after I had to fire him for another issue.

When he asked me for my forgiveness, I honestly admitted that I was not ready to forgive him because I was still so hurt about what he had done. He said he was sorry that I did not possess the power at that moment to forgive him and said good night.

Ten days later, this former colleague died of AIDS. For many years, I carried around the burden of not forgiving him, and it pained me to recall that incident.

In my conversation with my teacher, she smiled and said that after all this time, it’s OK for me to forgive myself for not forgiving him back then.

As you continue your personal leadership journey, I encourage you to pause and reflect upon the subject of forgiveness.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how proficient are you at forgiving other people?

On that same scale, how good are you at forgiving yourself?

Only you can answer those two questions. Then ask yourself what you can do to move up those two scales, even by a few numbers.

If you take those questions seriously, and reflect upon them, I believe you will become a better leader for yourself and for others.

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry