LEADERS REFRAIN FROM PEOPLE PLEASING
Last week I received one of Professor Adam Grant’s regular newsletters, and it really resonated with me. Grant’s title was “The Truth About People-Pleasing.”
I know that people-pleasing has been a behavior pattern of mine for decades, and it was one of my major challenges – perhaps my biggest challenge – during my four decades in leadership.
Why was I a people-pleaser?
That is an easy question for me to answer. I wanted people to like me. Why did I want people to like me? When I was younger, I developed an inferiority complex based on childhood experiences and receiving people’s approval became very important to me. That continued into college, law school and the work world.
Even though years of therapy and leadership training have greatly reduced my people-pleasing tendencies, I still fall back upon them from time to time without even realizing it. This type of temporary behavior regression is very common for most people, regardless of their age.
Grant’s newsletter starts out with the reminder that “Saying no is not a display of disrespect. Rather, it’s an expression of self-respect.”
Grant admits that he is a recovering people pleaser himself – who knew???
He goes on to explain that the root of chronic people pleasing is not concern for others. It’s concern for their acceptance and approval. That is certainly what I was seeking during much of my career, I am chagrined to acknowledge.
He says that psychologists have determined that what underlies people- pleasing is the fear of being disliked and rejected. I can certainly vouch for that. That was always in the back of my mind.
Grant reminds us that “when we bend over backwards to accommodate other people at the expense of our own needs, that’s because we depend on them for our self-esteem. Our self-worth rests on their validation, so it’s not about their feelings; it’s about how their feelings make us feel.”
After much reflection, he now realizes that people-pleasing is self-focused. “We do it because we’re uncomfortable making others uncomfortable. “Ironically,’ he says, ‘it does not ultimately serve their interests.”
Grant believes that people-pleasing is based on insecure attachment:
“We become people-pleasers when we discover that others only value us when we’re cooperative to the point of being submissive and deferential.’
As he says, “we should not mistake the past origin of a behavior pattern, for the current purpose serves. ‘If fear of being disliked leads too many of us to put our image above our values, saying no is not selfish; it’s an act of self- preservation.
Setting boundaries is not about letting others down – it’s about standing up for yourself.”
Please think about Adam Grant‘s words and reflect upon my experience as I have described it here. People-pleasing is an easy habit to fall into, but it does not serve us well as we traverse our leadership path.
As leaders at work, in volunteer organizations and among our friendship groups, it’s critical that we love ourselves enough to hang onto our self-respect and to know that our own values and desires are essential for personal and professional growth.
So think about this leadership tendency as you continue to grow.
-Being admired is wonderful
-Being respected is critical
.
-Being liked is nice, but not essential for great leadership.
Where are you on the people-pleasing spectrum?
-Have you fallen into this leadership trap like I did?
-Did you recognize when it was happening – as it was happening?
-Were you able to reflect upon that behavior after it happened and then learn from it?
-What circumstances contributed to your people-pleasing behavior?
-What strategies can you implement to refrain from this pattern or habit?
Make it a good week!!!
If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!
-Larry