LEADERS FOCUS ON WHAT AND WHO THEY CAN INFLUENCE

Last week I was conversing with a new friend who for many years was managing partner of his law firm office. He knows I do leadership coaching and am passionate about the subject of leadership.

He said to me: “Larry, you know what my biggest challenge was in leadership at the firm?”

I said, “Having worked with lawyers in private firms for decades, I’m sure there were lots of challenges involving partners, associates, clients and money.”

He smiled and said “My biggest challenge was I let people get to me. I did not have control over who we worked with or who I supervised. And some of these people drove me crazy. I would lie awake at night ruminating about them.”

I smiled and said “Why did you allow these people to drive you crazy? Why did you make that choice?”

He paused, smiled, and said “That’s a very good question. It never occurred to me that I was allowing them to get under my skin.”

There will be times during our leadership careers when we must work with people who are challenging. They may be challenging because of their behaviors, their belief systems, their egos, or their lack of self-awareness.

When we as leaders allow these people to “get to” us, we are making a choice. We can also make an alternate choice, to regard them with different feelings:

-Amusement (“Wow. This person is a real jerk.”)

-Pity (“Instead of being really angry at this person, I’m going to feel sorry for him because he’s going to go through the rest of his life with these issues.”)

-Sadness (“I feel sad for this person because she just doesn’t understand how she comes across to other people and this will get in her way for the rest of her career.”)

Of course, it is easier to talk about changing our attitude than actually doing it.

I am reminded of an episode decades ago, where I was working with a senior lawyer with extensive government and private practice experience planning a continuing legal education program. She was really challenging to work with. Every day I regretted having to collaborate with her.

One afternoon my wife and I were attending a play at the National Theatre in downtown Washington, DC. Throughout the play, instead of enjoying the drama, I was thinking about this woman.

When we returned home, I told my wife that I had not enjoyed the play and explained why. We had a long conversation and my wife asked why I just didn’t fire this woman. I explained it wasn’t that easy because she was a volunteer and was carrying a lot of responsibility for a particular program.

Instead, I made up my mind not to allow this woman to affect my moods, my behaviors, and my decisions. I would work with her as little as possible, delegate communication with her to another team member, and look forward to the day when I did not need to work with her anymore.

This attitude of making a choice not to allow other people to get to us reminds me of the popular book and podcast series “Let Them.”

in this book, author Mel Robbins, herself a reformed lawyer, explains how so many of us allow other people to make our own lives unhappy, unfulfilled, or even miserable.

Rather, she maintains, we can let other people just be themselves and not choose to allow their behavior to negatively impact our daily lives.

This concept reminds me of a principle I learned many years ago from the book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen Covey. If you are a regular reader of this newsletter, you know that I taught that workshop to Georgetown University employees for 25 years.

In his Habit Number One, “Be Proactive,” Covey talked about two concentric circles. The smaller inner circle is our Circle of Influence. The outer larger circle is our Circle of Concern.

Covey maintained that effective people focus their energies on their Circle of Influence, including things over which they may have a small degree of influence.

Ineffective people usually focus on their Circle of Concern, those issues or people over which they have very little or no influence.

As leaders, we want to be as effective as we can for our organizations, for our teammates and for ourselves. Let’s all follow the advice of Mel Robbins and Stephen Covey and not allow other people to get to us.

It really is our choice!

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry