LEADERS ENGAGE IN RADICAL LISTENING

The word radical has been popularized in recent years by numerous authors. The fist person to utilize that adjective in a title was Kim Scott, whose book, “Radical Candor,” was published in 2017. Kim followed up that book with “Radical Respect: How to Work Together Better” in 2024.

More recently, two authors, Christian van Nieuwerburgh and Robert Biswas-Diener, have penned a book titled “Radical Listening.’ Having studied and spoken about the importance of listening for several decades, I was intrigued.

Back in the day when I facilitated “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” workshop at Georgetown University, I enjoyed focusing on Stephen Covey’s Habit #5, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” That admonition carried much wisdom within it. Too many people listen with the intent to respond rather than with the intent to understand.

Thus, so often people – in families, in offices, in volunteer organizations – are talking past each other.

Covey reminded people that there are several levels of listening:

-Pretend Listening

– Autobiographical Listening

-Active Listening

-Empathic Listening

One of my favorite quotes from that workshop came from Dr. Ralph Roughton, who said:
“When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me.”

Stephen Covey himself reminded people:
“When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.”

I was reminded of these past listening quotes recently when I viewed a webinar by Christian van Nieuwerburgh, the co-author of the aforementioned “Radical Listening.” His points and suggestions resonated with the hundreds of webinar participants from around the world.

So many of us create our own obstacles to good listening:

-“I’m too busy”

-“This is too emotional for me”

-“I’m too distracted now”

-“I’m too tired to really listen”

-“I’m into thinking about what you’re saying and cannot really listen”

-“What you are saying is pushing me into judgment mode”

-“I do not have the patience to listen to you”

-“I’m too focused on my to-do list to really listen to you now”

There are really four types of these listening obstacles:

-Motivational Obstacles – We are not interested, we are triggered, we are not connected or invested in the relationship

-Linguistic Obstacles – We are challenged by the other person’s accent, their arcane or expert vocabulary, or use of jargon

-Social Media – We are distracted by our phones or computers, eager for the next dopamine rush

-Politeness – We are afraid to disagree or we are self-conscious of our facial expression and our body language

According to van Nieuwerbergh and his co-author, radical listening builds upon active listening. We go into the conversation with true positive intention as a way of building real connection with the other person.

Our listening drives our attention. We pay attention to the other person’s facial expressions, tone of voice, volume, and posture. We listen with our full attention and put all other thoughts in the parking lot. We strive to fully relate to the other person and feel and express appreciation for them.

We lean in and focus, striving to understand the other person and learn as much as possible from them. We are not listening to solve, to show our own knowledge or to agree or disagree with the other person.

Truly listening to another human being is hard work. I remember many conversations over the past years – both in my job at Georgetown Law Center and in my community volunteer work, especially at the Montgomery County Community Crisis Center, where I felt exhausted after engaging in great listening for a while.

That feeling of exhaustion is OK. Please remember: When we engage in true radical listening, we are doing a service for the other person, we are investing in a key relationship and we are opening ourselves up to growing and learning.

Think about your own listening habits. How would you rate your listening skills on a scale of 1 to 10. What could you do – starting tomorrow – to strengthen your listening skills?

If you believe this content would resonate with a friend or colleague, please feel free to forward it along!

-Larry